Mansions of Madness
An elite and exclusive rag-tag collection of eccentric, emotionally unbalanced, delusional, half-baked chancers dedicated to further inflating their already grossly enlarged egos by engaging in near-lethal investigations involving inbred recluses, accursed misanthropes, charmed objects and a liberal application of monstrosities from another dimension and a smattering of dark cosmic deities.
For all applications of membership please contact the club president, Mr Petard Esq, in the first instance, providing you believe you have the required character and standing. Applications can be made through the following mediums: courier, letter, telegram (singing or otherwise), interpretive dance (by appointment only), whale song, smoke signals, last will & testament, seance.
For all parties suffering from the following persistent, but not exclusive, issues: spectral hauntings, psychotic acquaintances dabbling in the occult, mysterious neighbours who appear to be active only at night, over-active murder mystery enthusiasts, ephemeral voices from beyond and associated vapours, writhing green tentacles, cellar-bound abominations and murderous cultists; should contact the club secretary, Miss Ada Dunstany, via the club “hotline” number – 001-111-115 in the first instance (Please note that the club hotline is only manned during the following timings: 10am-11am, 2pm-4pm Mon-Fri, excluding all faith, national, international and state holidays and days of reflection).
Remember, if you have a problem, and no one else can help, then maybe you should call – The Silver Stroker Crime & Mystery Club.
PS. Legal Disclaimer – The club, Mr Petard Esq and Miss Ada Dunstany, accept absolutely no legal, medical or spiritual responsibility for all club members, potential club members, inquiring members of the public, and any innocent bystanders, for the following, but not exclusive, circumstances: Loss of life, loss of mental equilibrium, loss of spiritual wholeness, loss of soul, loss of limbs, total or partial instances of burning, drowning, crushing, falling, disemboweling, possession, soul-rendering, vampirism, mafia enforcement, law enforcement, enforced cult membership, enslavement, imprisonment, abduction by human agencies, abduction by cosmic entities, consumption by dark deities. All contact with the club are at the callers own physical/mental/spiritual/financial risk.
PPS. No unsolicited communications from salesmen or undertakers.
Mr B. Petard Esq
September 5th 1919