The stuttering fool, Hugo Yackman, the Master of Delusion, promises to buy a permit before performing any further unsanctioned acts of magic in a public place. Flapper Fliss, feeling the unpleasant heat of the law, assures Detective Wheeler that she and her cohorts will behave themselves while in town. Satisfied, the policeman returns to booth and his coffee.
Stanford the antiques dealer pops out and over to the Old Church and attempts to enter, but finds his way blocked by a shut door, which is no surprise seeing as it’s 7pm. He then opts to wander through the cemetery, his mind still fixated by the od finding of a mummified Indian baby some hundred years before. He spots nothing odd amongst the tombstones but just as he suspects his visit to be a bust he discovers the Hazard family crypt. The wrought iron door is firmly fixed by an old rusted lock and the veteran briefly toys with the idea of breaking in but quickly thinks otherwise.
Meanwhile, back in the hotel suite, Ezekial and Michael attempt in vain to ponder what has occurred so far, but something is wrong…..there’s an odd tension in the air and as the two men furtively and uneasily glance over to each other they both begin to suspect something queer about the other. The stress of this uncomfortable social interaction causes the arm chair communist, Michael’s, nose to bleed. A short time later Fliss, Ravi and Hugo return and wonder just what on earth has been going on and why the two men are looking so guilty.
There’s then a brief discussion about what’s been learned so far and all agree that more must be learned about the Hazards before approaching them. Stanford mentions the crypt but no one wants to know about it – they feel it’s too much of a risk to explore it and there’s not enough cause. They then all retire for the night and manage to get a good sleep.
The next day they all breakfast in the hotel and agree separate plans of action. Ravi, the crazed psychologist, heads off back to the Town Hall and after fending off much flirtation and boring chatter from the transfixed clerk, manages to gain access to the Hazard birth and death register, learning of all the current family members and the property records which reveal that the family originally possessed a shack built on a cliff riddled with caves that they built up into a sizeable mansion over the centuries. Hugo enters a short time later and attempts to buy a performance license but is completely ripped off and taken for a ride by the clerk who is relieving her spurned advances upon Ravi by punishing the hell out of the unfortunate illusionist. Ezekial and Fliss heads back over to the Mystic Historical society and futilely search through the archives for further information; what they do learn however, from a conversation with the curator, is that most of the town is talking about the theft of the Hazard Pearls and that some sources are saying that the Accursed Cat Burglar, a notorious criminal who targets famous jewels across the New England region, is the likely culprit.
Fliss drives Michael and Stanford up to the imposing Hazard mansion and then promptly departs, parking down on the beach and waits for their return. It’s been decided by the group that due to a number of them being made by Detective Wheeler last night that the lefty lawyer and the shell-shocked seller and the only suitable candidates left. The duo approach the grandiose structure and knock on the front door; there is no response and as they listen for movement they detect the sound of music coming from within. They stand around and wait, and while doing so Stanford takes a step back and promptly falls down the porch steps and onto his back. Stanford, embarrassed at his clumsiness, picks himself up and raps on the door again louder and Lucille answers duly answers it, irritated by the rude intrusion upon the family’s abode. She demands to know what the pair want and the retarded revolutionary, Michael, promptly identifies them both as representatives of Rimant & Knowles and proceeds to accuse the family of stealing the jewels and making a false claim; so much for his lawyer skills – one would surely be a fool to hire him. Lucille, incensed, as any normal right thinking person would be, slams the door in their faces. The pair knock again and a confused Prime Hazard, the family patriarch, opens it; he has received half a distressed message from Lucille about their presence and he now seeks to find out the truth himself. He asks them who they are and sure enough, after much reasonable talking about the necessity of clearing the matter of the thefts so that the fee can be paid out, Michael puts his foot in it again by mentioning that a member of the family may actually be the culprit. Prime is somewhat offended by the imposition but he agrees to permit the two into the house to view the crime scene.
They are taken to the library where they are shown an open and empty safe behind a bookcase. Prime tells them that he holds the only key and that it is always with him. He does not believe a member of the family is involved in the theft. He confirms that nothing else was taken apart from the contents of the safe, which was the pearls, the last will and testament of Wilfred Hazard and $500 cash. The duo look around the room and while doing so Stanford trips over his feet and smashes into a table, sending the contents and himself flying; a horrified Lucille comes rushing in to put the place straight again – at this point she must surely detest the pair. Trying to ignore his idiot companion’s ineptitude, Michael continues his inspection and discovers a family bible, which Prime refuses him permission to look at, and the traces of flower petals caught under the bookshelf. He also spots a large number of toads out in the garden through the windows.
The lame lawyer then asks which window the offender entered through and is told by Prime that the burglar came in via a sitting room window that had inadvertently left unlocked. They ask to see the room and are taken back to the front door and into the comfortable lounge. There is a profusion of comfortable tables, coffee tables and lamps. They inspect the window and note a pile of dirt and more flower petals. They then can think of nothing further to ask to see within the house so then opt to do a perimeter check. Inspecting the outside of the sitting room window they find a flower bed and trampled flowers matching those inside. In the flower bed is the foot print of an average sized man who is also pigeon toed. Michael also spots a tweed thread on the window sill. They then walk around the corner and over to the outside of library where, unbelievably, Stanford stands on a toad and goes tumbles forward, smashing his face into the house wall before collapsing onto the flower bed. Prime, a pious man, is so astounded by what he is witnessing that he blasphemes. Making their lame apologies the cack-mouthed two-left footed fools half run off the grounds and down to Fliss for a ride back into town.
Reconvening back in the hotel apartment the group discuss what they have all learned. There is uncertainty and vague suspicions. Michael focuses in on Prime’s statement that only the family and the insurance company knew the location of the safe; this prompts Ezekial into calling George Knowles, who denies letting the information go out from within the firm but does confirm the existance of the Accursed Cat Burglar. Hugo keeps fixating on the 1865 diary entry of Mistress Mercy Stanton and after over an hour of contemplation realises that they have all failed to understand its significance; they have all concentrated on the two named individuals but have missed the real relevance – the oddly loaded coffins. They finally realise that a visit to the Hazard crypt is now indeed warranted.
They leave the hotel after dark and reconvene outside the Old Church at 8pm. They make their way to the lonely vault at the rear of the cemetery and break the lock with ease. They walk down a winding flight of marble steps and enter a small crypt; within are held 300 years worth of neatly stacked coffins. They observe that they are arranged in labelled shelves in ten year increments. They take out the small child coffins of Lucy, John and Nathaniel and break them open to reveal that each contains only a rotted cloth and a heavy rock. A check of a coffin from 1750 reveals the skeletal remains of its incumbent. The investigators then spend the next hour checking through further coffins to determine when the last body was interred; it turns out that after 1760 there are only stones.
The investigators emerge from the tomb shocked and shaken at their discovery. Ezekial’s mind reels at the unearthly implications. Several members of the group find themselves supposing that no one in the Hazard family has died in the last 250 years and that they may be immortal.